Pollution
by PanicButton
Summary: ReidOMC Continuance from Tidings of Comfort and Joy. What happened next.
1. Chapter 1

Pollution

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine:

**A/N: OMG! So sorry for the total mess the last chapter was in….I have tried to correct as much as I could but its real hard to see what you are doing when you are laughing so much you are crying.**

**I will attempt to keep my HHhhhhHH under better control this time !!! Thank you !**

He sat and looked at the spider crawling down the edge of his bookshelves. He held a mug of coffee in one hand and a small doll in the other. He sighed and closed his eyes. Spencer was wearing his blue bath robe, and slippers and his hair was still damp from the shower.

Everything had been lost.

Nothing would ever be the same again.

No one looked at him the same.

He was dirt.

He was nothing.

Reid looked down at the small doll in his hand and felt a huge pang of grief and loss. All he had once had, good or bad, was gone. He put the doll to his face and inhaled the scent and felt his breath shuddering inside him. A while ago he would have felt tears now, but that was then. Now there is nothing. He placed his mug on a coaster on the coffee table and stood up. The doll dropped from his fingers as he walked slowly towards the door. Morgan, lucky babysitter for the day was in the shower.

He stood and listened to the sound of the water running.

The main door was locked but he quickly slipped the lock and opened the door. He walked silently down the corridor to the lifts at the end.

It was dark and quiet and it felt good.

The cold night air was refreshing on his hot skin as he began his walk down towards the park. He needed space. He knew they were trying to help him. He knew that they thought he was dirt. He knew that they had seen the dozens of dvd's that had been sent to the BAU. They had seen every dirty filthy moment. They had analyzed it to see if he seemed drugged, to try to work out where this had happened, to see if they could work out who the other people in the movies were, but in the process they had seen how far into hell he had slipped. How he had almost begun to enjoy some of it.

Floyd had written him a few letters explaining how he wouldn't be associated with filth like him. How he wanted nothing more to do with him. How he hoped he had picked up an STD and would rot. He had sent a few such letters, some of which Reid was sure had tear marks on them.

………………….

He walked down past the big old buildings on his block and listened to the voices jabbering in the back of his head. He heard them arguing with each other, and trying get Spencer to listen, but tonight he wanted to be alone. Just himself. Nothing else.

It only took about fifteen minutes to walk to the small park near the end of the street he lived in. It would be empty this time of night, it always was. His hair which had been damp from his shower was now fluffy and dry. He wanted to go and look at the river. It was fast flowing this time of year, and he could hear it rushing around the base of the bridge and so he walked over to sit on the bench next to the bridge.

You should have got dressed.

"I am dressed."

You are in a bath robe you idiot.

"Leave me alone."

You have lost you mind you know

"It's not lost. I know what I am doing."

Watching the river at night in your bathrobe?

"I said to leave me alone." Reid put his hands up to his ears and pressed hard. "I don't want you in my head anymore. Get out." He got up and started to walk over the bridge.

We don't want to leave.

It had started to rain now, and he could feel the cold winter rain on his face and scarred hands. He stood and looked at them for a while and remembered the pain briefly and winced making a soft moan as he ran fingers over the dents on the palms of his hands.

"Please go. I need to think. I can't think with you in there nagging at me"

He walked over the tall bridge with his head down listening to the voices and sometimes joining in with them. He was about half way over the bridge when the trouble started. He really should have been looking where he was going but he was concentrating on that voice to the right back which was talking about precipitation in the north west states when he walked into something.

He quickly and carefully glanced up. He knew this was a mistake. He knew he should keep his head down, but he needed to see what he had walked into.

It was big. Taller than Reid and about twice as wide and with friends who matched the first guys appearance. Spencer muttered a quick sorry again and tried to step out of their way.

A hand on his shoulder.

A hand in his hair. Pulling his head up so the guy could see his face. The dark circles under his eyes, and the empty look on his face and now a voice in his face so close he could smell the rotten fetid breath.

"D d don't. Please don't" Reid moved a hand and placed it over the one which was holding his hair.

They had been watching the weirdo freak walking around the park in his bathrobe. They had noticed how he was stoned out of his mind. They had heard him talking to himself. Easy target and something to take away the boredom of this cold evening.

Spencer tried to defend himself, but against six of them he didn't really stand much of a chance. The punch to his stomach had him doubled over and then the knee to the face had him falling back against the railings along the side of the bridge. He felt the blood flowing from his nose and now as the fist made contact with his mouth he tasted blood. He lashed out with his arms trying to keep them off him, as they pulled him off the railings and pushed him to the ground. He felt the first few kicks to his back, and to his groin and he felt the kick to the side of his face and then there was nothing. Which for a while was rather nice. He had been longing for nothing and now it seemed he had it.

……………

Morgan stood in Spencer's lounge and looked at the mess. There were DVD's scattered all over the floor. Derek frowned and bent down to pick one up. "Reid m." He called back to Spencer's room, what's with all the mess out here?" He started to walk to Reid's room and turned the DVD over and looked at the writing and the poor quality picture. 'Teachers Pets.' The picture showed Reid sitting on a chair with a child sitting on his lap. He looked at it for a few seconds then dropped it to the floor. He ran to Spencer's room and hammered on the door. "Reid, are you OK?" No answer. "I'm coming in man, you better be decent." The room was still and empty.

As Morgan turned he noticed that the main door was slightly ajar. "Son of a bitch!" he shouted to himself. "Why does he keep wandering off?"

He grabbed his phone and called Hotch whilst pulling on some clothes so he could go out and look for Reid.

……………..

They enjoyed kicking the freak, but now he had stopped making the strange whimpering noises and he had stopped fighting back, and was actually laying very still, it had stopped being fun. They looked around and saw that the park was still quiet and empty and stated to walk away.

"We just gonna leave him there?"

And the others grinned. They picked up the limp damaged Spencer and lifted him up above the railings. They watched as he hit the water. Then they walked off talking about football game the night before.

…...

**A/N New fic carries on from old fic….do you want me to carry on? I am hoping Floyd will be back in time to be included at some point.**

* * *


	2. Chapter 2 Safe

Safe

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine.

Jen was running along the river bank with her dog Kimbo. It was raining and her gentle jog had turned into a mad rush along the stony pathway. She was going out that night and just wanted to get home and have a shower and get ready to see her new friend Louise.

"Come on Kimbo." She stopped and looked at her big lovely Labrador standing on the bank looking at the water. "Come boy!"

but in reply the dog started to bark. Jen wandered over to the dog and took him by the collar to walk him away. He often barked at the river. As she grabbed the dog collar she glanced over at what had caught his attention this time. Something floating in the river. Caught up on the plants at the edge. She bent slightly over to get better look, feeling the icy cold rain on the back of her neck and she screamed.

"Oh god someone help me! There is someone in the river! Someone help me!"

She lay down on the soggy cold grass and stretched out to try to reach the man laying with his eyes open in the water. She thought it odd as usually people who fell in the water floated face down. It must have been the way the river was running so fast and because he was snagged in the weeds. Maybe this meant he would be alright? He didn't look alright!

She was screaming for help again and reaching out for the cuff of the blue gown he was wearing. She touched the soggy corner and began to pull him closer to the bank. He wouldn't have been the first one to jump off the bridge. Not the first suicide and this was what this was.

"Come on someone please help me!" She was shouting and pulling Reid closer to the back and off the weeds he was resting in. Then more hands were there and people shouting and someone talking on their cell to emergency services.

……………..

Hotch was at the office when Morgan called him. He told him that Reid had left the apartment. However Morgan wasn't aware that Reid hadn't put some clothes on first and he had no idea which direction he had gone in. He stood at the window or Spencer's place and looked across the city. The lights shining in the darkness and talked to Aaron.

"I want to go and look for him, but he could be anywhere."

"You stay where you are Morgan. I will drive around and see if I can see him. I know where he goes sometimes."

"I don't know how receptive he will be of you sir." Derek was pacing the small room.

"That's something he will have to get used to." The phone line went dead.

Derek walked back to Reid's room and sat on the bed. He looked around the small room with the sparse furniture. It wasn't a room he spent time in other than for sleeping. No luxuries here at all. Very plain off white walls, wooden floor, big blue drapes and a blue cover over the bed. The small wardrobe and chest of draws were a light oak. But no pictures on the walls. Nothing unusual. He looked over at Reid's shoes standing under the window, and then at the hook on the back of the door and a frown spread over his face.

Morgan walked back out to where he had left Reid. His jacket was still on a hook in the hallway and his keys were on the side. His bag stood on the floor next to the small hallway table. He went back and flicked through Reid's wardrobe. He flinched at the sight of some of the clothes, but he noted no blue bath robe. He noted no sign of the slippers and he noted that Spencer's shoes and coat and keys were still here. He called Hotch again.

…………………

Aaron's first port of call was the park. He knew this was where Spencer went to think. Where he went at night when everywhere else was noisy with people and traffic. The park was nearly always quiet.

When Morgan called back with concerns as to what Reid was wearing when he left, Hotch drove a little bit faster. He knew Spencer wouldn't want to see him. He knew Spencer felt betrayed by the man he thought loved him, but sometimes things just happen. They are out of your control.

He pulled up in the small parking lot and started to walk through the park. This time of night the lamps along the walkways were lit and the bridge lights shone brightly. Reid, he knew would go and sit on the bench down by the bank near the bridge and so this is the direction Aaron started to walk in. Vaguely aware of something going on, on the other bank. Emergency lights flashing blue, the sounds of winding down sirens. His stomach turned as the stood next to the empty bench and looked across the river.

Aaron started to walk quickly across the bridge to where the excitement was going on further down the river on the other bank. As he started reached the other bank he could hear someone shouting 'clear' and he could see someone turn and walk towards him. A youngish woman with a dog at her side. He could see the panic in her face and the shine on her cheeks from tears. The crowd was blocking the view as Aaron got closer and his stomach knotted harder. He approached the woman with the dog.

"What happened?"

She looked up, her face a creepy yellow colour in the park lights. "Another jumper."

Hotch moved closer. Still a lot going on – paramedics shouting orders and he saw between the two heads in front of him the unmistakable form of Spencer laying in the dirt and rain. He noticed how they had covered him with a silver blanket. Aaron pushed through the crowd pulling his cell from his pocket and pressing speed dial.

"I've found him. Get down here to the park now." and he hung up

Slowly he walked forwards.

"Excuse me."

"Sir Can you stand back." The paramedic.

"I know him." And Aaron crouched down next to Reid who was breathing short shallow breaths. He looked at his face. "He's been beaten." He felt a hand on his shoulder. "That happens when they hit the water. It's normal."

He lifted the side of the silver blanket up and reached for Reid's hand. He wrapped his fingers tightly around his. "Spencer, it's Aaron."

"Hotch?" His voice was shaking with the cold. Hotch felt Reid pull his hand away from him. "Leave me alone."

Aaron stood up, tears stinging the back of his eyes. Would Spencer ever forgive him? Why didn't he understand why he had to do what he did? A hand on his shoulder and Hotch turned to see Morgan. "What the hell happened?" Morgan was walking towards the ambulance where they were taking him.

He could hear people muttering about jumpers and suicide and how lucky he was that someone found him.

…………………

They followed the ambulance to the hospital. Aaron sat in the waiting room. He sat and thought of Haley and he thought of Jack who spent most of his life now with a nanny. He thought about that day standing in the snow watching Otikami bleed out. He thought of how Reid had asked him to help. How he had wanted to help, but couldn't. He thought about the snow falling gently and melting as it landed on the bloody pool spreading either side. He remembered looking at the knife sticking out of his chest and wishing it had been him who had put it there.

Morgan found someone to talk to. "My friend was just brought in. From the river." The nurse nodded.

"Take a seat sir, I will send someone out to talk to you." Morgan chose to stay standing. He never liked sitting when wound up like this. Though they had said on his anger management course that he should sit when feeling like this; He really didn't feel like it.

"Sir?" a voice behind him made him jump. Derek turned around to see a middle aged Doctor standing there. "Are you with the guy from the river?"

Morgan nodded. "Is he going to be alright? What happened?"

The doctor looked a bit confused. "He has a lot of damage to his face and back. I wanted to ask you some questions about his mental state."

"He's depressed."

"Suicidal?" The doctor was trying to get Morgan to take a seat. "Do you think he would have jumped? He was found in the river in his bathrobe and slippers. Actually one slipper. I need to ask you why you think he was out in the winter and the rain in a bathrobe."

Morgan shook his head. "He is recovering from a trauma. He is finding some things hard. He wouldn't take his own life."

"I would like to keep him in for a while. For observation."

…………………

Reid was in a cold darkness. Everything was moving in slow motion. He didn't feel any pain. He just lay and listened and answered where he needed to.

And he remembered when he had felt loved and wanted and he remembered when there would have been someone here to hold him and now there was no one and he wished he had jumped from the bridge and maybe that had been his intention anyway

_Spence?_

_What happened?_

_Someone hurt you._

_Who did it? I will kill them._

"Get out of my head."

_You know I could never leave you for long._

"Leave me. I want to be alone."

_So you can think of your movie career?_

"Just get out of my head and leave me. I don't need you."

_Yes you do._

_You will always need me._

…………………..

* * *


	3. Chapter 3 Dreams and Voices

Dreams and Voices.

_In Solitude, where we are at least alone: - Lord Byron_

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine.

"Reid."

Someone was talking to him, but he didn't feel much like answering.

"Reid, man, talk to me. What the hell happened?"

Insistent voice.

A hand on his shoulder. "You need to talk to someone kid. I am here when you are ready."

_Why is he touching you?_

Reid rolled over onto his side away from the hand.

"He is trying to help." Muttered under his breath.

Morgan moved to the other side of the hospital bed. "They want to know why you did it. I want to know why."

"Morgan, I don't need a baby sitter. I need some space." Hiding his hands under the covers. He knew Morgan would stare at them. He didn't want his pity. "I need to think."

Derek pulled over a chair. "You need to talk to someone about what happened. Why you did it. Talk to me buddy."

He was looking over Morgan's shoulder as he spoke. "I didn't do anything, what is it you all think I did?"

"You were in the river in your bathrobe. Something sure as hell happened."

"Oh right. That. Yes I went for a walk. I got the shit kicked out of me and I was thrown in the river. You happy now? Will you leave me alone now?"

A hand reached over to push wayward hair off his face. "Don't touch me! I don't want you touching me. I don't want anyone touching me."

"They think you jumped. You need to talk to them Reid. I don't want to see you in hospital over this."

"Go away. Let them think I jumped. I was going to anyway. They just found me first. Now leave me. It's not you I need right now."

_Well you sure as hell aint getting me._

He pulled the covers up over his head and that was all anyone got out of Reid that day.

……………..

Sleep can be a wonderful healer. It can take away the horrors you are living and give you something nice – or it can drag you down deeper.

_Spence._

"Taki."

And he could feel someone lay on the bed behind him.

_You owe me._

Hands on his shoulders pulling him onto his back.

"I thought you were dead." A small smile.

Hands now running through his hair and a mouth over his chest.

"Stop, not here."

_You owe me._

Fingers finding that dent he now has above his hip where the scab has gone but the scar is still raw.

_Get off the bed and kneel. _

………….

When the nurse walked in the room to check up on Reid he was not on the bed. He was kneeling on the floor his head down. Crying softly.

"Dr Reid?" When she touched his shoulder he seemed to tense but other than that didn't move. "Are you alright?"

Don't look up.

Don't move.

Don't respond.

"Dr Reid, can you get up please?"

Don't look up.

Don't talk.

Don't respond.

Keep still. Keep still.

Voices – so many voices. "Dr Reid, can you stand?"

And now more hands pulling him up off the floor.

Don't talk.

Don't look at them.

Keep your head down.

………….He let them drag him back to the bed. He curled up and pulled the covers up over his head.

_Get back on the floor._

"I can't"

_Get back on the floor._

"Please just get out of my head. Leave me alone!" Reid's normal quiet voice was high and panicky.

_Get back on the floor._

He could hear them talking as he pushed the covers back off him and kept his eyes on his hands and slowly rolled off the bed and back onto the floor. He tried to do what he was told. He tried really hard, but hands were pulling him back up off the floor again.

Don't talk.

Don't look at them.

Keep your head down.

Do as you are told.

_On your knees on the floor._

"I don't want to do this. Please don't make me do this." Reid started to push them off him. "Get off me!"

…………….

Aaron watched through the glass wall of Reid's room as he thrashed and shouted out odd random sentences fighting off the hospital staff and crying out for help. He wanted to go in there and talk to him, hold him and comfort him. They had been stupid to think he would have recovered from what happened. If the few days he was held by Hankel had caused such deep problems for so many months afterwards why was he naïve enough to think he would recover from what Taki had done to him so speedily? Aaron closed his eyes and rested his forehead on the window. "Let them help you Reid." He said under his breath and a tear escaped and ran down his cheek as he watched them stick needles in Reid to sedate him.

…………...

_You let him._

_I knew I couldn't trust you._

_Slut._

"Floyd?"

_Who the hell else?_

"I need you."

_That's a shame. I am too busy to be with you._

"Why are you doing this?"

_Doing what?_

_Whore._

"You know what."

_Watching you?_

_Staying in your head?_

_Despising you?_

_Which one? _

"Get out of my head."

_No._

_I like it too much here._

_You let him._

"Stop it."

_You let him, babes. Why did you let him?_

_Are you listening to me? Are you remembering what I can do to you?_

"I remember."

_You know you are a filthy slut._

"I know."

_Good. That's why I love you so much._

"Where are you? They will lock me up. They think I jumped."

_Good._

"How can it be good?"

_It will be less of a shock when you do top yourself._

"I don't want to!"

_Can't remember giving you a choice. I love to see you squirm. _

_Even if it is only in our heads._

"Floyd."

_Spence my sweet, you choose a method. I will provide you with what you need._

"No."

_Then I will choose and it won't be the nicest of ways but if that is what you want._

"Why are you doing this to me?"

_Because you are a whore and a slut._

_Oh yes, and because you forgot me. You forgot about me Spence babe and I won't have that._

…………….

Aaron and Derek sat in front of a big desk at the hospital. They were going to discuss what treatment they thought more suitable for Spencer. They wanted to talk to Derek to about what mood Reid had been in before he jumped from the bridge.

"I don't think he jumped." Derek chimed in.

"I think he did." Replied the doctor. "And if he didn't, I believe it had been his intention. Why else would he have been there?"

Morgan had no answer.

The doctor smiled. "Right, I need to talk to Dr Reid's next of kin. It says here it is a Mr Franks. I don't think that is either of you two."

Hotch looked with a puzzled expression over to Morgan and then to the doctor. "It has been changed recently? I know he changed it a few months back, but I was led to believe he had changed it to be me."

"Says here, Mr Floyd Flanders Franks – Next of kin."

Morgan stood up and kicked his chair. "That son of a bitch! That can't be legal. It must have been changed under duress."

"It's all legal. Do you have any idea how we can contact him?" The doctor was looking annoyed at the way Morgan was pacing the room now. "Take a seat please."

Aaron stood up. "We are not in contact with him. Maybe if I talk to Reid."

……………

This is why Aaron was sitting talking to Reid's back.

"Please Spencer. I need to explain."

"I don't want to hear it. I need to be alone."

Aaron sat on the chair and watched Reid's curl up tighter against everything.

"I need to explain what happened out there in the snow." He wanted to reach out and touch the bare shoulder showing above the sheets. He wanted to lean over and kiss the pale flesh. "I need you to understand."

"I asked you to help him. I thought I was going to die. I asked you do one last thing for me and you ignored it." A quiet low raspy voice.

"It wasn't like that Spencer. You know it wasn't. The man had tortured you. He had abused you. What was I meant to do? Make friends with him as you lay dying in the snow virtually naked?" A long pause. "Spencer, he raped you."

"He cared for me. He helped me. He got me out of there. He would have died for me Hotch and you let him lay bleeding."

"Turn over so I can see your face Spencer. I need you to see me." Hotch pulled his chair closer.

"I don't want you to see me Hotch. If you need to see me, go home and watch a dvd. I am sure you have the full collection."

_Poison?_

_Overdose?_

_Hanging?_

_Oh electrocution in the bathtub!_

_Or slashed wrists._

_Maybe jump in front of a train._

_Step in front of a bus?_

_Drive your car into a tree._

_Set fire to yourself._

_Oh I have a good one. Blow yourself up in Aaron's office._

_But I think the easiest one for you – catch a fatal STD. _

_Whore._

……………..


	4. Chapter 4 Living In Your Own Head

Living in Your Own Head

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine.

_I've suffered the tortures of the damned, sir: - Alex de Large._

* * *

"He is unresponsive."

Mutterings.

"Yes I am sure he can hear us."

Murmurings.

"He has closed down."

Mumbles.

"You can try to."

Blah blah blah with undercurrents of concern.

"The medication has to be very carefully balanced. It is a bit of trial and error at first."

Yak yak yak on and on and on.

_They are talking about drugging you. _

_Are you going to let them?_

"Go away."

"Just random words and sentences. They are nonsensical."

_I don't want to go away._

_You are my playground._

_I come here when the outside is unavailable._

"You are high."

_Don't be such a prude Spence._

_It's not like you've never done drugs._

"That was different."

_One rule for me and another for the Fed?_

"It's not like that."

_What is it like then Spence?_

"You are being unreasonable."

_Moi? I am just a voice in your head. _

_It's you who are unreasonable._

_It's you who has lost his mind._

_Not me._

"I want to sleep. Go away and let me sleep."

_So that the others can molest you in your sleep?_

_I think I will stay._

………..

They stood outside the room and looked in.

Reid was kneeling on the floor with his hands in front of him. He would kneel for hour upon hour. Sometimes talking quietly to himself, but usually in total silence. He never moved or looked up. He didn't respond to people talking to him. He wouldn't eat and he wouldn't drink. During the times that he was laying on his side on the floor or maybe he had crawled over to the mattress on the floor and laid down - during these times they would come in and try to encourage him to eat. Sometimes he agreed to drink a thick milky drink full of supplements but not every day. He would drink water through a straw but he refused anything he would have to chew.

Spencer would sleep fitfully and talk constantly in his sleep. He would cry out and talk statistics, and when he finally became silent he would cry.

The staff changed his medication. They wanted to try to break through somehow and be able to communicate with him. Remove the barrier. They tried to get him to get up off the floor and sit on a chair, but he fought them off and lashed out at them and called out apologies to someone only he could see or hear.

They made decision. They needed to deprogram him and the best person to do that would be the one who programmed him in the first place. They decided it was time to get Taki involved.

………………..

A hand on his head.

"Look at me." Taki's voice.

_Yes go on. Look at him, slut_

Reid didn't move.

"Spence, it's OK."

_Yes Spence it's OK._

The hand twisted its fingers in Reid's hair. "Lift your head and look at me."

_Go on Spence. Look at him._

Reid slowly lifted his head.

_Bitch._

Taki crouched down in front of Reid and put a hand under his chin. "It's OK Spence. It's over. You don't need to do this."

_He is touching you._

Reid scuttled back away from Taki and looked back down at the floor.

"I won't hurt you."

_Yes he will, but not as much as I will if you let him touch you._

"Go away." He was backing into the corner of the room, putting his hands over his ears.

"I am here to help you Spence."

_Don't tell me what to do._

"I don't need your help. Just leave me alone. He will hurt me. Please just go away and leave me alone."

He felt a hand gently running through his hair.

_You are such a slut. Look what he is doing. Why don't you just let him take you? Whore._

Spencer slapped Taki's hand away from him. "Don't touch me!"

_That's better babe._

"Spence, please look at me. You don't need to do this. Otsu has gone."

_Keep your head down Spence love._

"I am trying to!"

"Trying to what?" Taki was looking worried.

"I'm not talking to you. Leave me alone." A slight movement from Taki. Reid wrapped his arms around his head. "Please leave me alone." A whisper.

_Put your hands on the floor Spence. _

_They will beat you._

_They will kick you._

_They will rape you._

_Only I am allowed to do that._

Slowly Reid took his hands away from his head and put them back on the floor.

He felt Taki place his hands over them and Taki felt the way Reid flinched from his touch.

"What's wrong Spence? Look at me." Gentle fingers running over the back of Spencer's hands. "I'm not going to hurt you."

Reid slowly turned his hands over and linked his fingers with Taki. "I thought you were dead."

_He will be when I get there._

"I nearly was." Squeezing his hand back.

_I will make it happen. I will rip him apart from the inside._

"I won't listen to you. You are acting like a spoilt child."

Taki looked puzzled. "Pardon?"

_I will make you listen._

"Taki, please leave. I can't talk to you." Reid took his hands away from Taki's and sat on the floor with his back to the wall. He pulled his feet up close and wrapped his arms around his knees.

"You need to talk to the doctors here Spence. They need to talk to you. To understand."

_You will talk to no one._

Reid slowly shook his head. "I will talk to no one." A puzzled frown. "Get away from me."

Taki stood up and started to back off. He looked down at Reid who looked back up at him. "You have a nose bleed Spence."

……………

They stood and watched from the other side of the window. They watched Taki carefully approach and talk and touch Spencer. They saw him back off. They listened to him talking and as Taki backed off they watched Spencer get a nose bleed then curl up on his side muttering to himself.

So electrocution?

"No."

_Slow poison. I can help you with that. _

_By the time they find out what you are doing, it will be too late._

_Renal failure._

_Your heart will stop._

_I can make it look like something else._

_You just need to say what you want._

"No Floyd, I don't want to."

_Can't remember giving you an option._

_Hanging. You find something to use I am sure. _

"Leave me alone."

_I can get you something sharp. _

_Something to cut with._

_Would you like that?_

_You would. I know you would._

"Something to cut with?"

_A blade._

_Something small._

_I can sort that for you._

_Just for small cuts._

"You are just a voice in my head. You can't get me anything except a nose bleed it would seem."

_Ah babes, you should know better than that._

_Just tell me what you want._

"I don't want anything Floyd. I want to be left alone."

_To think about how much of a whore you are?_

_Overdose?_

Silence.

_Good. I will help you get out of here._

_I will get you what you need._

_You know I am only doing this because I love you so much._

_I won't share you._

"I know, but I need to talk to them first."

_Then talk._

_I will be here with you._

_Spence babes, I will help you._

_Then you will be free._

"I will never be free. Not of you."

Reid stood up. He wiped at the blood dripping from his nose with the back of his hand and looked up at the one way window he knew they were all looking at him from.

"Aaron. I'm sorry."

_Well done._

They showed him ink blots.

They went over form after form.

They talked and talked and they double checked the results.

He scored high. Perhaps too high. Maybe he knew these forms and knew which answers to give. They pulled out new forms and asked more questions. All the time Hotch watched from behind a one way mirror. For hours they talked and ticked forms. Every time Reid scored a high average for his mental stability. It felt wrong, but they had run out of tests to give him so they decided to keep him in for a week. Just to observe him. Just to make sure. To see if this was a front. How long could he keep this up for?

…………….

"But I want to go home." Spencer was sitting listening to the decision which had been made. Aaron was there to make sure Reid knew what was going on. He wasn't convinced by his evaluation. He knew he had tricked his way through them before. He knew there was a lot more going on here than Reid was letting on. He recognised those funny mannerisms and he knew Spencer wasn't better. The manic twisting of his hands. They way his eyes flicked side to side when he was asked something awkward and the nose bleeds.

"It's just to make sure Spencer." Aaron put a hand on Reid's. He was expecting him to flinch away from it, but Spencer accepted the hand in his and held on tightly.

_Make the most of it Spence._

_Say your goodbyes._

_Slut boy._

* * *


	5. Chapter 5 Out of Order in Bedlam

Out of Order in Bedlam

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine.

_I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside: - Susanna Kaysen.

* * *

_

Reid was given a small room to stay in for the week. For the month. However long it took for them to unravel his problems. He sat on the bed and watched the wall. It was slowly undulating. He wondered how the ceiling stayed up with the walls moving. He stood and walked slowly to the moving wall.

_What are you doing?_

"Checking the wall."

_Why?_

"Something's not right."

_You are not right. _

_We need to work out our plan._

"What plan?" He moved his hands slowly forwards and touched his fingertips against the wall. He watched as the wall sucked them in. "Oh man." He pulled them back quickly. "Did you see that?" He stood looking at the wall and then looking at his fingers.

_Nothing to see._

Reid went to sit back on the bed.

"How long will they keep me here?"

_I don't know._

_Until you are better I suppose._

"There's nothing wrong with me."

_So you keep saying._

"You don't believe me?"

_No, not really. _

_You surprise me Spence._

_I think I know you and then you go and do something odd_

"Odd?"

_You jumped in the river in your bathrobe_.

"Floyd, you _know_ I didn't."

_I know you wanted to. _

_Getting a pasting first and a kicking in the undercarriage was just an added extra._

"Gee Floyd you are so understanding. Where were you when I needed you? On vacation somewhere. Too busy messing with someone else to tune into me."

_I was having fun._

_You forgot how to do that._

_Spence babes, you are boring._

"I do need to go home. They won't keep me here will they?"

_They kept your mother._

_She is no worse than the mess you are in right now._

"I'm not sick. I can care for myself. I am not my mother."

_Schizophrenia is inherited. You are the right age for it to start showing. _

"What do you mean by that? To start _showing_? You make it sound like I have always been like this."

_Haven't you?_

_You have had voices since you were a kid._

_Spence._

_You are a psycho, a whack-job, a kook, a spazzoid, a weirdo freak, a dement, a raving loon, a mentally defective genius._

"Shut up."

_It's true though. _

"Don't talk to me."

_Why not? Scared of the truth?_

"I know the truth Floyd. You don't have to rub it in. You can try being nice for once."

_You know how nice I can be._

_Remember that time? We had such fun._

"You had such fun."

_So what are you going to do?_

_We agreed on an overdose. _

_I can help you._

_Here or when you get home?_

"Stop nagging me. I am trying to work out what to do."

_You need to get out of this place. You are making hard on yourself Spence. They will keep you here. _

"There is nothing wrong with me. I didn't jump. I am not suicidal."

_Yeah whatever._

"What the hell do you mean by that?"

_You are talking to yourself. _

_You are deranged._

"I'm talking to you Floyd."

_Like I said. You have flipped. Stop talking to yourself and try to act normal. Oh sorry. You and normal, they just don't mix_

Reid looked at the open door and stood up walking slowly in his hospital slippers and his hospital pyjamas towards the door.

_Where are you going?_

"I want to make a phone call. I need to ask someone about making a phone call. I need writing paper and a pen. I need to write to my mum."

_What are you going to tell your mum?_

_Hey mum I am a loon._

_See you soon._

_You are really stupid sometimes._

"I still need to make a phone call." He walked from his room and looked down the long corridor towards the nurse's station.

_Have you seen how someone can kill themselves with a ball point pen?_

"Yes, and I am not likely to do it."

_Ah well. It was just a thought._

He walked looking at the floor. Careful where he stepped. Mindful of the other people around him.

He avoided Masher and his fists and he avoided the strange bald man with tattoos. He kept his eyes away from Lucian and his funny skipping feet and away from Joel and his snapping jaw and grinding teeth.

Spencer stood in front of the nurse's station and tried to look relaxed and normal in his navy pyjamas –the top a bit too short and the bottoms resting on his hips. "I I n n need to make a phone c call." Damn the stuttering.

The nurse smiled back. Big flashy white smile. Her mouth seemed to pull right back to her ears almost. Reid stood and stared at her.

_Hate those bitches. _

"Stop it." A grin.

_Candy floss smiles._

"Some of us like candy floss."

_She looks like a right slapper._

"Shut up!" Still unable to tear his eyes away from the woman's face. Something from a nightmare. This wasn't real. None of this was real. So, if this wasn't real where the hell was he?

Something was being handed to him in a hand with fingers much too long and nails painted too red. Dripping blood?

Spencer shook his head and stepped back.

"You need the phone love?" A nice friendly voice.

_What's wrong Spence?_

"N n no!" He turned and started a quick walk back towards his room. After a few paces he broke into a run and made for the exam room further down the passage.

He could hear footsteps behind him. He thought he might have been able to hear his name being called, but suddenly a thousand voices awoke in his head and started to scream at him.

They screamed obscenities.

They screamed insults.

They threatened.

They laughed.

_Spence?_

He burst into the exam room and stood looking around him.

"Can I help you Spencer?" A doctor asking questions.

"No – I don't know."

_What the hell are you doing?_

The doctor started to move towards Spencer as his eyes locked on the sharps box on the rear counter. It is times like this that all the hours he spent on his back on the mats with Morgan standing over his grinning come into play. He moved swiftly and with grace that didn't look belonged to Spencer. The doctor was on the floor on his back before he could blink and Reid was stepping over him and pushing the cardboard sharps box to the floor. He placed one foot on the edge of the box and wrenched it open with his hands. The little lancets and scalpel blades tumbled out onto the floor. Reid grabbed a few blades and quickly left the room as the doctor started to get up and raise the alarm.

_Spence?_

_What is your plan?_

"You are in my head. You tell me."

The voices had quietened down now and all he could hear was insane giggling and in the background Floyd saying something.

_What you gonna do with the blades Spence?_

_Who you gonna cut?_

Somewhere Reid could hear shouting. Too many voices again. The giggling and now screaming.

He moved quickly to the men's washrooms and slammed a cubical door behind him. They had no locks, but that was fine. He could lean on the door for a while. Just some peace and quiet. That's all he needed.

"I'm not my mum."

_I know babes. Put the blades down. This isn't what we planned._

"I can't stay here forever. I won't burden my friends with this."

Reid wasn't sure what was happening.

He seemed to be falling forwards. He put his hands out to break the fall and saw they were blood smeared. He knelt on the floor and rested his head on the rim of the toilet bowl. Puzzled eyes watched the toilet water turn from clear to a swirling red.

_You stupid son of a bitch!_

_What did you do that for?_

_I thought you were going to overdose._

_Spence talk to me._

_Don't leave._

_Spence!_

Spencer put his hands up to his neck and felt the blood oozing between his fingers.

Floyd!

………………………

Aaron got the call.

* * *

**A/N: a bit short, but the right place to stop. More real soon!**


	6. Chapter 6 Atrabilious

Atrabilious

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine.

_The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.__ - __Carl Gustav Jung_

"You need to get to the hospital now." Aaron's hands were shaking as he put the receiver down. He stood staring at it for a while then made another call.

"Morgan."

And another set of shaking hands.

………….

The pale faced sat in the waiting room. Surgery. How many times do they have to sit and wait for a friend to come out of surgery? Usually it was because an UnSub had hurt one of them. They had something to direct their anger at. But this? This was very different. They had nothing to shout about. No one to blame but themselves.

They should have known. They should have seen this. Derek shouldn't have left him to have a shower. Aaron could indirectly blame Derek. Morgan could only find himself to blame.

Morgan sat and rocked gently in his chair. He wanted to call Garcia. He needed a hand to hold but he didn't want to put her through this just because he felt too weak to do it.

………………..

They dragged Reid from the cubical and applied pressure to the deep wound on the side of his neck. The emergency claxons went off and the medical staff knelt in the growing pool of blood.

Not much chance.

Too much blood loss.

Cut too deeply.

Spencer could feel something, but he wasn't sure what it was. Dragging feeling and a feeling of greyness. Like it was all fixed and it felt good. After all this time this – he suddenly realised what he should have done a long time ago.

……………

Hotch stood once again the other side of a glass wall looking in on Reid laying on a hospital bed. How many times did he have to do this? At a nod from the staff he walked in the room and sat down on the green padded chair next to the bed. Cautiously he put out a hand and lay it over Reid's.

"Hey you."

No reply, but he didn't expect one.

"You gave us all a fright again. You have to stop doing this to us." The hand was limp but warm. Aaron wove his fingers between Reid's and gave them a squeeze. "I am here for you Spencer. When you are ready." He looked at the indentations on the back of Spencer's hands. The scar tissue a darker pink than the rest of his hand.

He wanted to respond to Aaron. He could feel his hand in his. He could feel the comfort of the warmth, but there was something preventing him. Something missing. No voices to guide him anymore. No ramblings in the back of his mind. No Floyd either loving or hating. Just an eerie silence. The space between the silence and voice was too vast. Reid was sure he managed to move his fingers, but he wasn't sure. One last effort. One last thing for Aaron. He was sorry Haley was dead. She wouldn't be there to help Hotch pick up the mess he had made. He would be as alone as Reid felt right now.

Even his voices had abandoned him.

Strange that something which had been so wrong for so long was now missed to the point that he didn't seem to have a reason to carry on existing.

Spencer wanted to open his eyes but they were too heavy and there seemed to be small point in it all now. He just wanted it to all end.

He could feel a hand touching his face. Loving and caring fingers running over his skin. This was all he ever wanted really. All he ever craved from his sick mother and his missing father. All he ever wanted from friends. All he ever wanted from Floyd and Aaron. Just to be accepted and held and loved but because of his selfish cravings and his need to feel wanted Haley was dead, Aaron was alone and Jack had no mother.

When Morgan came in to see Reid he had been rolled over onto his side. Derek stood and looked at the bit of Spencer's back between his pyjama bottoms and the top which had ridden up. His intention had been to simply move the top down to cover the white skin showing. He stood and looked and then sat on the edge of the bed.

"Reid man." He wanted to say more, but his words caught in his throat.

Spencer could feel someone sit on the bed behind him. He felt the person lay down and then wrap arms around him. It was Morgan. He recognised the smell. The testosterone and after shave, and that stuff he put on his hair – when he had a bit to put stuff on. He felt Derek pull him close, and he responded by pushing his body back against the comfort. It wasn't something he was controlling. No – he had no control over what his body demanded of him now. He could feel hot breath on the back of his neck and he knew Morgan was talking to him, but he couldn't hear the words. They felt loving and comforting though. The thing he had always craved. His confused mind was surprised that Derek was the one to give this and slightly bothered that Floyd wasn't complaining, but Floyd seemed to be gone. They were all gone.

Derek held Reid tightly, and was a bit concerned at first when Reid seemed to respond by pushing hard back against him, but he had been warned of this sort of thing. How Spencer responds to some stimuli but not to others. This was something he needed and though Derek was not inclined to like this sort of contact with a guy he didn't push him away. Not now. He held him tighter and told him how sorry he was and how as a profiler he should have seen this from a mile away, but maybe that was the problem, it was too close.

Morgan didn't realise he had fallen asleep until a gentle hand on his shoulder awoke him.

"Excuse me sir. We need to turn him."

Morgan slowly moved his arms from around Spencer and gave him a gentle kiss on the back of the neck. "Come back to us Reid. We need you."

He watched as they rolled Spencer over onto his other side. He looked at the empty face and closed eyes and he watched as they pushed up his top and pulled his bottoms down slightly. The nurse looked up to see Derek's stricken face. "You can do this if you want. Just massage the cream in. It stops the sores."

Derek felt the tears popping out of his eyes and trickling hot and unashamed down his cheeks. He took the pot from the nurse and walked around the bed. Derek sat and rubbed the pink flesh on Reid's hips and back. He massaged his shoulders and the tops of his legs. He moved down the bed and started to rub at Reid's feet. He looked at the marks left from the spikes which had been smashed through his feet and bent down and carefully kissed them better and again the tears.

When Aaron arrived they could hardly look at each other. Derek untangled himself from Spencer and pulled the covers back up over his thin back. Again a gentle kiss, this time on the ear. "See you later genius."

……….

Derek spent the night in the arms of Garcia. She lay behind him and held him tightly and whispered comforting things in his ear and cried deep sobbing snotty tears for her friends.

……….

They changed the bags of fluids going in and going out. They turned him and washed him and then left him with Aaron who just stood and watched and didn't know what to do. He finally sat down and pulled out a book. It was poetry. Medieval poetry which probably made a lot more sense to Reid than it do to him even in the closed off state he was in right now. He read for an hour and then just sat staring at the dressing on Reid's neck for the next four. He held his hand for a while, but there was something wrong. It felt like this wasn't Reid anymore. Spencer had bled out into the toilet in the hospital. His life flushed away. The image made Aaron get up and empty his stomach into the toilet in the room down the hall. When he got back there was someone with Reid. He knew who it was from behind. He recognised the hair and the slightly odd way of dressing. He stood and watched Taki move his hands slowly over Spencer's face and bend down and kiss his mouth gently. Aaron wanted to go and tell him to get away and to leave him alone. Had he not done enough damage? Why was he still walking free? Who had pulled strings for the man who had made this deal with Haley? Who had let his murderer off? He had abducted and tortured an agent, Hotch didn't know what sort of a deal had been made with this man, but it made him angry and sad and it made him want to scream.

Taki didn't notice Aaron standing watching. He was concentrating too hard on the face he loved to look at. The face he had abused.

A dark shadow past over his eyes and he smiled. When he turned there was no one at the door, so he walked quickly and closed the door and adjusted the blinds for privacy.

He lay down on the bed behind Reid and felt the satisfying push back from Reid. He was sure he heard a whimper from somewhere deep inside Spencer.

Taki pulled Spencer in tightly to him and ran a tongue over the back of his neck. "I have a message for you Spence."

A soft moan?

"Floyd asked me to give you something from him."

He could feel Spencer's breaths coming harder and quicker.

"He told me you would need 'comforting'"

……………


End file.
